my journey through burnout
By early 2020, nearly 10 years after completing my residency training program, my partner and I had built two thriving & bustling practices. There was no shortage of work, and, coupled with a growing family (with all the complexities & demands that come with it), it felt like every waking minute was packed to the brim. Like many Bay Area families, multivariate-level calculus was required to coordinate schedules and manage it all. Finding time for recovery, self-care and balance was becoming increasingly tenuous; any curve ball could disrupt this carefully constructed structure and bring it tumbling down.
And then, COVID broke out.
The impact of COVID on my patients (and others around me) was enormous — like a grenade going off in our collective lives. The uncertainty, fear, disconnectedness, and isolation took a heavy toll, and all were struggling to adjust to a new world. Administratively, a whole slew of new policies and adjustments had to be made — from insurance issues, to staffing, to appointment safety protocols. Home life was thrown into upheaval as well; considerations such as online school, navigating social distancing with once (physically) close relatives & friends, and many other aspects quickly jolted us out of our autopilot routines.
Insidiously, the personal toll on myself was mounting. I was sacrificing many of the maxims I was preaching to my patients in order to keep up: “Prioritize sleep”, “get regular exercise”, “focus on nutrition”, “stay connected to friends and a community”, among many others. Work-life-balance was thrown out the window; demands had to be triaged in terms of urgency, and it felt like everywhere I turned, a fire needed to be put out.
It was not long before I was beginning to experiencing fatigue, frustration & lack of fulfillment from the very responsibilities that I had taken so much joy and satisfaction in just a short while ago.
In September 2020, during a 4 day mini-getaway, I came to the painful realization that I was 'burned out’. I had been in denial for a while, but there was no refuting the facts. Something had to change in order for me to be the best version of myself for those who rely on me and look to me for care and guidance; for me to be the best father, husband, friend, and physician that I could be. I resolved to myself that weekend to begin the process of change - to once again place those all-important maxims at the center and revitalize my day-to-day life.
Change has come slowly, but surely, and in layers.
I started with recommitting myself to ensuring adequate time for sleep and rest. A big part of this was avoiding screens in the hours preceding bed & cutting down on caffeine consumption.
Over time I re-engaged with daily mindfulness exercises (Calm app) and a daily 5 minute gratitude journal, in order to increase my sense of presence with myself and others.
I began to wean off devices, especially after work hours. I committed to checking my phone significantly less (down to 3-4 times a day, at specific times), in an effort to avoid the quick dopamine hits (and subsequent crashes) that come with constantly checking social media, news, messaging apps, etc. I turned off notifications and even deleted some of my social media accounts.
Eventually I built back an exercise routine — regular cardio-focused exercise (primarily using Peloton) with resistance/weight training (using the Tonal device) interspersed during the week.
By spring 2021, I began to make changes to my diet — I subscribed to an organic meal delivery plan to ensure breakfast and lunch were nutritious and healthy (traditionally the two most hurried and therefore least nutritious meals of my day).
In fall 2021, I took a big leap and re-structured my schedule and commitments — offloading significant administrative tasks and reducing my clinical schedule to allow for more time for reflection & self-care. I had to re-learn how to establish boundaries & say ‘no’ at times in order to ultimately be more fully available for those around me.
I started psychotherapy to better understand underlying dynamics and blindspots in my life.
I prioritized meeting with friends one-on-one, rather than in large group settings, in order to allow for deeper conversation and connectivity.
There is certainly much more to be done, such as increasing volunteerism and community involvement. However, I feel much better off at this point than I did in mid-2020, and am confident I’m on the right track.